


I Can't Come Back There

by InterPlanetary_Redacted



Series: Faded Photographs [4]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Abused James T. Kirk, Childhood Trauma, Chris was a good parental figure for jim after Tarsus, Dissociation, I tried to show reflections of then and now with Chris and Jim, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, Lots and lots of therapy, M/M, PTSD, Protective Leonard "Bones" McCoy, Tarsus IV mentioned, Then and Now, Therapy, Trauma, but it's implied as self-defense, killing is mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:53:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25980892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InterPlanetary_Redacted/pseuds/InterPlanetary_Redacted
Summary: He doesn’t know if he should be opening up more now. But part of him wants to.“I hate him,” JT starts. “He was...kind. He paid attention to us. I know why now, but at the time...it was nice.”“Who?”“Kodos.”///aka: Jim vs Therapy in my google docs. Focuses on the differences between his first psychiatrist and his current therapist
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Christopher Pike, James T. Kirk & Therapist OC, James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Series: Faded Photographs [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1882864
Comments: 8
Kudos: 89





	I Can't Come Back There

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so this does further look into Jim's trauma and experience from Tarsus and what he faced there, hence why I included tags for referenced child prostitution, rape, and torture, so please don't read this if you could possibly be triggered even if it isn't described in detail

Jim was used to his sessions and he liked his current therapist. Chris had been a massive help with getting him access to them, but honestly, when wasn’t he? Chris had been helping him since he was first rescued and gave him reassurance when he was trying to get to his kids. 

“So, shall we discuss anything in particular today?” 

His therapist is called Ilona and she had seen him since his fourth month at the academy; at first he didn’t have one, and the first two he saw various psychiatrists as Chris requested of him so that he was able to get his files updated accurately. 

Maybe Jim had needed to be dragged there by Chris the first appointment, but he’d accepted that Chris wasn’t going to let up with this and he was thankful. 

His appointments have become more regular than once a month again since coming back to Earth aboard the Enterprise. 

“I don’t know,” is what Jim answers in response, but it’s more that he doesn’t know what to say. Something he proceeds to say as well. 

“Would this be to do with George and Winona Kirk being here recently?” Jim’s eyebrows scrunched in confusion; he knew there had been rumours, initially, but he doesn’t remember telling her nor does he expect her to have listened to rumours. “Captain Pike sent me an email informing me after a meeting between yourselves,” she informs Jim. 

“I suppose.” Jim looks at his hands, clasped on his lap, while he thinks about what he could say. Ilona sita patiently, waiting as she always does when he doesn’t talk as easily. “It’s confusing.” 

“How?” 

“When I was younger, I  _ hated _ them for what they did, for leaving me.” 

* * *

_ They had a psychiatrist come in every few days once he was awake for longer periods of time and on his way to healing properly. He never said anything to anybody, except Pike. Pike was...not bad. Not somebody that JT would confide in, but he doesn’t know if he’d ever do that again. Not again.  _

_ JT hadn’t seen his kids. Pike was the only one telling him anything, but he didn’t have the permission to take JT to them.  _

_ “I want my kids.” His voice was raw, and thin, and almost inaudible.  _

_ “Your kids?” The man looks at him in confusion.  _

_ “I want my kids.” It will be the only thing which JT wanted to know. Pike gave him updates when he could, when he visited, but after that he would simply read to JT, books which were old and JT had never heard of them, but he liked them.  _

_ Pike had been more than reluctant to read JT Lord of the Flies, due to the plot and the content that could possibly trigger a traumatic response of some kind, but JT had been insistent, and Pike had finally given in after reading The Great Gatsby to him.  _

_ JT liked it. _

_ It wasn’t like his experience, because for him, for his kids, it wasn’t a small group that was spinning into recklessness and violence, but it was the adults - the authority - which were hunting them down, because they were not ‘wanted’. They were not ‘desirable’.  _

_ Even if that wasn’t true.  _

_ They  _ were _ desired, just not for the right reasons.  _

_ They didn’t want their survival, they wanted their dignity.  _

_ His dignity.  _

_ It was all he really had left to give for the safety of his kids.  _

* * *

“Everything that happened...I blamed them. If Winona hadn’t left constantly, then Frank wouldn’t have abused us so easily, and if that hadn’t happened then George wouldn’t have left. George left, basically telling me that I wasn’t really a Kirk, so I drove my dads vintage car off the side of a quarry and got myself sent off to the most traumatic experience I could’ve experienced no matter my age,” Jim explained. “It took me...years, to come to terms with the fact that my trauma relating to Tarsus wasn’t  _ caused _ by them, even if it was their actions which led to me being there in the end.” 

“And them coming back into your life after you’ve...worked through most of your trauma?” Ilona asks carefully. 

“I hate it,” Jim admits. “As far as I was concerned, I was never going to speak to them again in my life. Maybe I’d hear about Winona or accidentally run into her by accident, but I didn’t think I’d be faced with them or have conversations where...something productive occurred.” 

“So you did find your conversations productive then?” she asks. 

“Yes.” Jim leans back, rolling his head on his shoulders while making a noise which was half-sigh and half-groan. “But I still feel uncomfortable thinking about them and thinking about interacting with them in casual social or familial situations.” 

“You still hold resentment towards them?” Ilona wanted to know, and Jim repeated the sound from before, but more dramatic this time, still not looking at her. 

“I don’t know.” He sits back up straight to try and be serious as he thinks about his responses. “I know, logically, that they’re not to blame for most of my trauma. I know that they weren’t fully responsible for their actions - Winona was depressed and suffering PTSD while George was only three years older than me - but what they did and how they treated me was distressing and I can still feel how I felt then, now.” 

* * *

_ “James,” one of the nurses came in, speaking. He didn’t bother asking her to not call him that because he had been trying for months but none of the staff would budge except for his primary doctor and Chris. “Your mother is here to see you.” JT couldn’t help the scowl that came across his face. He barely remembered what his “mother’s” face looked like more often than not, if it hadn’t been for the pictures that were in the farmhouse, tucked away though they were. He hadn’t thought about her since he was on the ship to Tarsus IV.  _

_ JT didn’t say anything, however, allowing for the woman to walk in, blonde hair tied back and pulled away from her face, Starfleet uniform on, and scowl on her face.  _

_ “James.” He didn’t continue to look at her, looking away and out of the window he was seated besides, even as the door closed before the nurse left. “Look at me.” He refused. “ _ **_James_ ** _.” He still didn’t look at her. He didn’t want to face her. He had no real memories of her. He didn’t know who she was until he was, what, six? She did not care. “They tell me you’ve been here for over a month now.”  _

Yeah, because I physically cannot be moved until I’m healthy physically and mentally _ , JT doesn’t say.  _

_ “As such, I’m telling you to re-enrol in school and continue working to an appropriate future.” JT refuses to answer. She sighs in frustration before he listens to her footsteps walking away.  _

* * *

_ “She can’t come back,” JT tells the psychiatrist when he comes in for JT’s appointment not an hour later.  _

_ “Who?” he asks, looking at her confused.  _

_ “Winona.” He still looked confused so JT clarified. “Winona Kirk. My mother.”  _

_ His therapist makes a noise of understanding, before nodding. “I can ensure that she cannot come back to see you if that’s what you want, however she may need to sign forms and be updated depending on your situation,” he explains, causing JT to grimace.  _

_ “Fine.” It’s all he can say before he can speak to Chris.  _

_ He doesn’t know if he should be opening up more now. But part of him wants to.  _

_ “I hate him,” JT starts. “He was...kind. He paid attention to us. I know  _ why _ now, but at the time...it was nice.”  _

_ “Who?”  _

_ “Kodos.” JT doesn’t look at the man to see his response but he doesn’t hear any kind of reaction either so he continues. “He was kind to us and we trusted him. He helped us and provided technology and updated information to the school, he ran after school clubs and ensured that we all were doing okay. He would speak to us as groups and individuals and he made us trust him. And now I know it was because he was deciding which of us were  _ worthy _ of his mercy!” JT spat, gritting his teeth and feeling bile in his throat. “Have you seen the lists?” JT asks, turning to the man to see him shake his head. “Me and my kids were not afforded his mercy. We were due to die, and yet...here we are. Still alive.” JT decides to not speak anymore while his psychiatrist was there for the day, but he’d spoken more to the man than in the entire weeks previous.  _

* * *

“She didn’t care about me, as far as I was concerned. I just wanted my kids. I just wanted to see them and hold them and make their nightmares go away. But they wouldn’t let me and I didn’t really care about anything else because they were the only thing which gave me purpose for so long. Chris being there was the only thing which made me interested in anything and he did not do anything. Not really. He didn’t ask me to talk about what happened and he didn’t force me to listen to him reading to me, but he offered company that I wouldn’t otherwise get while I wasn’t with him. I didn’t have to talk if I didn’t want to. And when I wanted to, it was about what he was reading to me.” 

“Chris offered you the support you could need from a parental figure,” Ilona says, something that they’d discussed many times before over the years, but even more lately. 

“Yeah. And I needed that. Because he was the only person who treated me as an equal despite the fact that I-” Jim sighs, starting over when he caught himself going down a thought path which both Chris and Ilona had corrected him on. “I  _ was _ his equal, if not in rank or age then in experience and emotionally. I  _ was his  _ equal. But nobody was treating me that way. They were either restrictive in the information that they gave me, or they tried to coddle me.” 

“And obviously that wasn’t a comforting feeling,” Ilona pointed out with a tilt to her head which implied an  _ ‘obviously’ _ . 

“No. I hated it. I had been the responsible one for months. I was the one looking after my kids. I was the one doing everything for them and keeping them alive. People weren’t taking me seriously. They were acting like they wanted me to be a kid again. I hated that. But...that was the last time I saw Winona until first year here, and then I didn’t see her again until recently.” 

“So it obviously wasn’t a positive association.” 

“I didn’t want to see her or speak to her but I knew it would be worse if I didn’t. I don’t want to forgive them - I’m allowed to feel what I feel and I don’t need anybody to tell me otherwise.” Jim knows this, and he no longer feels guilty about it like he did just a few years ago when he started seeing Ilona. “But...I also know that I don’t have to hold it against them forever. I’m allowed to just  _ let it go _ if I want to.” Ilona nods at him in agreement to his throat process. “I want to be there for my nephew and sister in law. I want to be able to support them however I can. But I don’t feel comfortable talking to them. Or really being in the same room as them on the whole. And that’s  _ okay _ ,” he reassures himself, slightly quieter than his previous words. 

“It is. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to because you’ve listened to everything they said and accepted their apologies.” 

* * *

_ JT looked at Chris and barely heard anything he said. He was being shipped out soon? But- oh stars JT doesn’t know how to breathe- does he? Can he breathe? Does he even want to? Did he have anything else to live for now that his kids had all left to various members of extended family and, in one case Jim had tried to prevent, the foster system? His kids were gone and he hadn’t even gotten the chance to say goodbye to anybody except his Tommy (yes his Tommy even though the boy was almost 18 months older than him) and he’d barely even been able to see them from the window which Chris took him to so he could watch each of his kids leave from the hospital and- _

_ JT looked back at the man before him. He was a First Officer now, apparently, and the reason he’d been able to stay so long was because his new assignment ship was undergoing repairs. But it was fixed now and-  _

_ “Oh.”  _

_ It’s all JT can say. He doesn’t want Chris to go, not at all but- _

_ “Can you get me emancipated before you leave?”  _

_ JT needs to know. He’d brought it up not long after beginning to speak with his psychiatrist.  _

_ The man had since diagnosed him with severe PTSD, Depression, Chronic Anxiety, and ADHD - which was unrelated to their actual discussions but had been done when he noticed certain traits within JT.  _

_ The man didn’t think it was a good idea for him to become emancipated so soon.  _

_ But JT had been in the hospital for four months at this point, and he wasn’t entirely recovered physically, but he was making progress mentally, even if more nights in a week than not he had night terrors featuring a man he once trusted and guards who used to be people meant to protect him.  _

_ Bodies laying scattered on the floor was the least traumatic thing he could dream of after everything they had put him through and- _

_ “Why do you want to be emancipated?” Chris asked, snapping JT out of his own head, and he didn’t seem judging or disappointed or angry, although he wasn’t showing any positive emotion either.  _

_ “I don’t want to go back to Frank, but I legally can’t get away otherwise,” JT told him honestly, shrugging slightly. “Winona isn’t going to be back any time soon and neither is anybody else. I don’t want to be classed as a runaway and possibly sent back to him when I leave here.”  _

_ “You don’t plan on going back at all?” Chris raised an eyebrow, clearly more curious than judgemental still so that helped JT to continue to talk.  _

_ “I don’t want to. I have some things there that I want, and I want to get the deed to the farmhouse so I can make him leave, but I do not want to be stopped from leaving when I don’t know if I can be there again.”  _

_ He had been struggling with staying in the hospital itself since he was properly awake and able to move around a bit for more than a week, but he hadn’t left because he could weigh the pros and cons in his head.  _

_ He would never survive on his own out there, not really, not even now when he’d been here in recovery for months because he was still underweight and he still couldn’t stomach the majority of foods. Not to mention the amount of allergies which kept coming up now.  _

_ The doctors weren’t sure if it was his body’s natural reaction for going so long without proper amounts or types of food or if he’d just never been exposed to them before. Not to mention the medications they use, which had apparently been the biggest problem in the beginning. There could also be the circumstances surrounding his birth, they had considered, spoken in hushed voices where or when they thought that he couldn’t hear them.  _

_ He wasn’t strong enough and he knew that if he was left on the planet for much longer and an issue came up, then Frank would be his emergency contact. Not that the man would care, but he would easily use it as leverage in the future if JT allowed him to have that power over him.  _

_ “I’ll see what can be done. Do you know who holds the deed to the farm?” Chris asks, kind but not pitying, something JT discovered he now hated when people showed him. Chris hadn’t pitied him the entire time he’d been visiting. Or, if he did, then he knew JT wouldn’t appreciate it and kept it to himself in times when he wasn’t there.  _

_ “No. I just know it belongs to someone in the family,” JT tells him.  _

_ (They don’t talk about any of it even as the date for Chris leaving comes closer, but Chris visits him when he’s supposed to be sleeping on the morning of his departure, placing several things on the table in the room before sitting on the edge of JT’s bed. He strokes through JT’s hair and across his cheeks, hearing a release of breath before a light kiss is placed on his forehead and he hears “I’ll miss you, kid,” and JT opens his eyes after he’s gone to discover Padds containing the legal documentation declaring him legally emancipated and the owner of the farm in Iowa.)  _

_ (JT pretends his eyes are just swollen from sleep when the nurses come in a couple of hours later.) _

* * *

“But this isn’t about them. It’s about you. And how you feel is more important in this situation. It is not your job to relieve them of their guilt. And if their guilt is relieved simply by your forgiveness then was it truly guilt at their actions?” 

“I don’t know.” Jim truly doesn’t. 

“Alright, think of it like this. You love Leonard, correct?” 

“Of course,” Jim grins. “He’s the light of my life and I couldn’t bear to be without him!” 

“Alright so, hypothetical situation: you’ve cheated on Leonard. You of course feel guilty about doing so and apologise to him multiple times as well doing something meaningful to help show your apology.” 

“Unrealistic, I wouldn’t cheat on him,” Jim grins at her, joking because they both know he wouldn’t but it was a way to relieve the slight tension in the air.

“I know,” she smiles back calmly. “But, imagine you have, and you do multiple things to show you’re sorry, and he says ‘I forgive you’. Do you still feel guilty or do you now feel relieved and like you no longer have to try any longer to earn his forgiveness? Or do you have to wait until you forgive yourself?” 

“I would never be able to forgive myself,” Jim answers honestly. “We even have had discussions regarding planets where marriage to a political figure may be required as has been reported multiple times throughout Starfleet.” 

“Oh? What have you discussed?” 

“If we know beforehand that there is a chance I may be required to marry then I let somebody else lead in my place. Especially if we do not know whether or not intimacy is required. I would ask him to marry me but I don’t know if he’d be up for that,” Jim shrugs. 

“Why do you not think he would be ready?” 

“In the beginning of our friendship, he would get drunk and tell me that marriage was a waste of time and I should never bother with it because it only ends in heartbreak and the loss of your property. Also, I saw the toll it took on him - the divorce I mean - and I didn’t want us to possibly end up like that. Not to mention I don’t think he’d want to get married again, nor do I want him to think I’m just doing it for the sake of doing it, or to get out of future possible marriages if those situations arise and whatnot. Many reasons.” 

It was the first time he’d admitted out loud that he would marry Bones if given the chance. 

“A reasonable conclusion to make. We can discuss it more later, but going back to your statement previous to that. You would still feel guilty even with his forgiveness in this hypothetical situation, whether you act like it or not. And this is important because it means that your guilt comes from what they may possibly think of you and not actually on your actions. I’m not saying to wallow in guilt over such an occurrence, but you also would be more able to keep yourself in check again. And if, for example, you were not responsible. Your inhibitions had been altered, your biology was being worked against you, you had the inability to say no?” 

Jim feels bile rising in the back of his throat and he turns to the side in an attempt to calm down slightly at the reminder. Doctor Ilona has read all of his files, and they had discussed situations similar (with much worse endings) in the beginning, not to mention when he spoke to his psychiatrist when he was younger. 

“It- it’s not my fault. It is theirs. The responsibility is on them and I am not to blame for being put into an unsafe situation,” Jim manages to recite. 

“And if you are coerced?” Ilona asks, gently. 

This had been Jim’s biggest issue when he was younger. Coercion. What counts as coercion and knowing when he was being manipulated into doing something whether it was by another person or a situation in and of itself. 

Jim gets down on his knees in front of the chair and hunches over onto all fours before he dry heaves multiple times. 

Nothing actually comes up, thankfully. 

His doctor now knew to not approach him when he was like this, after an incident the first time which ended up with him being passed out during a panic attack and lying in a hospital bed. 

Doctor Ilona simply watches on, sad but not pitying. 

Jim takes the time to calm down before sitting himself back in his seat. He doesn’t look down at his hands, but he doesn’t look at Ilona either; choosing instead to look out of the window at the mildly cloudy sky despite the distance he is from the window. 

“Coercion is not consent. Even if I say yes.” Jim knows this. He had known it then, when he was trying to keep his kids fed, and he knows it now, and has an easier time of saying no while also not being in such a desperate position as he was then. 

* * *

_ “I did everything I could think of, to protect those kids.” JT hadn’t yet said anything, and he knew there were only twenty-seven minutes left of the hour. He’d been getting better at speaking, but this was something he didn’t want to speak about. Not really.  _

_ “I’m sure you did,” his psychiatrist says, and JT really hasn’t learned his name despite the many months they’ve been seeing each other. They were introduced the first time but it was so easy to forget a name in the fog that had been his first months at the hospital. His psychiatrist isn’t being patronising, JT doesn’t think, simply stating it as a fact.  _

_ “I stole for them, so they could eat. I stole for them so that they could have medicine - and bandages, in the beginning. I hunted for them so they could have some fish when I was able to get to the stream. I foraged for them, so that they could still eat something on the days we couldn’t go far for fear of being caught. I learned medical skills from padds I stole, and I guided them to safer spaces when and as we needed,” JT says, and he thinks it’s probably pretty standard stuff to do for people under your care in an emergency situation. “I killed for them.” Still justifiable, in JT’s opinion, and from the look on the man’s face, he’s unsurprised. “I got caught, for them, so they could be safe. Multiple times. Sometimes, it was easier to get away than not.”  _

_ “When Starfleet arrived, the reports state that a young teenager - you - was chained in the middle of the town with bleeding wounds down your back and thighs and arms, face bruised and scraped, one wrist out of place and one foot clearly broken,” the man recites, and JT smirks sadly.  _

_ “I’d only been there for two days, but they weren’t taking mercy on me after finally getting me to the town centre. They’d never gotten me so close before, since somebody was always willing to give me up.” JT doesn’t talk for a minute, knowing that he’s wasting time and he should just say it but it takes a moment for him to collect himself. “I- I allowed myself to say  _ yes _ to them even when I didn’t want to. I  _ didn’t _ but they made me and I hate them and I didn’t want them near my kids. They couldn’t make me take them to my kids or give up their location and after the third time in a month that I’d been caught, I caught on quickly as to what they were willing to do with me which gave me a chance to escape.”  _

_ “They-”  _

_ “Don’t say the word,” JT bit out harshly. He knows what they did but he can’t even think anything more damning than  _ forced _ or  _ coerced _ , so he doesn’t. He doesn’t want to. Maybe when he’s older he will but he can’t. He already feels sick enough when he dreams. _

_ “Was it like a transaction?” It was said in a neutral voice, but when JT looks up, the man isn’t showing any judgement. He supposed that people like him can’t really show reactions to their patients since they’re supposed to be helping them. It makes sense.  _

_ “Sometimes. Not most of the time. But sometimes they said they’d let me go if I did, and after a while I was just...used to it. It let me get away and back to my kids, even if it took an extra day because I was leading them on a wild goose chase so I could lose them.”  _

_ “Do you feel guilty?”  _

_ “I don’t know.”  _

_ “Can you explain how it makes you feel?”  _

_ “How I feel about it? Disgusting. Gross. Dirty. Foul. I hate myself for it in most aspects. But it ensured my kids were safe, out of their way. My kids never saw any evidence. Maybe Tommy knows. But he never brought it up with me,” JT shrugs, trying to be more nonchalant about it.  _

* * *

“Jim, our time for today is up, do you mind staying in here while I fetch Leonard?” Jim shakes his head, he thinks. Wasn’t there still time left? They hadn’t spoken for long, it can’t be over already. Jim can’t force himself to move though, he doesn’t want to, the very act feels...wrong. He doesn’t want to move. 

Bones is there, crouching beside him, hand on his own that are clasped in his lap. 

Jim turns to him, he thinks, but maybe it was Bones’ fingers under his chin? 

“Hey Jim, you ready to go?” Asked casually, but with a quieter volume than usual. 

Jim nods. He thinks. Maybe he doesn’t but Bones sees his agreement anyway, even as his limbs feel disjointed, almost, and his head feels kind of like he’s floating. 

“You okay, darlin’?” Bones asks. Jim nods, but Bones shakes his head gently in response. “I need you to use your words, my love.” Bones rarely calls him his love, no matter how common a southern-drawled  _ darlin’ _ is. 

“I’m...fine?” Jim tilts his head. Did he speak? It doesn’t feel like he did? He feels his head tilting and it almost feels too heavy. 

“Do you want to go back to the dorm, or do you want to go see Chris and Phil?” Bones asked. 

Jim takes several moments to blink, and they’re still walking but there are few people around this building even outside it seems as Jim blinks three- four- five times while trying to think. They’re not outside the building yet but the lack of surrounding noise from students and teachers gives an indication. 

“Food?” Jim asks instead. 

“Not right now, darlin’. I doubt you’d be able to keep much down. Do you want to go watch a movie in our dorm, or watch one with Chris?” 

Jim thinks, and considers his options before thinking about the difference in how each scenario would feel. 

“With Chris. I think,” Jim tells him, and he feels more like he’s coming out of the dreamstate. “Old movie with robot lesbians?” 

Bones rolls his eyes at the joke from when Jim tried to explain the plot of Wall-E to Joanna when they were out and didn’t have the ability to watch it at that moment. 

“Why do you love old films so much?” 

“They’re fun. Imagine being from that time period and being time travelled to now. It’s so different from what they’d be used to,” Jim giggled, allowing Bones to still guide him while they walked, not feeling up for it entirely by himself. 

“I can imagine the type of headache you’d cause for them,” Bones smirked, causing Jim’s mouth to drop open in indignation. 

“I am offended, I am hurt, I cannot believe you just said that,” Jim carried on in an exaggerated manner - at least as much as he could right now. “Remind me again why I love you?” Jim asks, joking. 

“Because I put up with your dumb ass watching old animated movies about a time period we’re currently living in which is completely inaccurate but has robot space lesbians?” Bones asks back, rhetorically of course, causing Jim to nod solemnly. 

“I knew it, I knew there was a reason I loved you so much after all the stress you put me under,” Jim sighs, causing Bones to look at him with indignation now which makes a grin break out over Jim’s face, and he feels a little more like himself again, unwrapping Bones’ arm from his waist to just hold his hand, wrapping his right arm around Bones’ upper arm. He squeezes the muscle. Jim does like how much Bones works out, if he’s being honest. 

“I give  _ you  _ stress?” Bones asked, eyebrows practically migrating to his hairline as he stares at Jim. 

“Yes, of course you do,” Jim nods seriously. 

“How?” 

“I dunno,” Jim shrugs. “But you stress me out at times,” still joking. Because, honestly, Bones was the only thing which had caused him no stress. Anxiety in the beginning of their relationship because he was scared to mess up? Sure. But no stress. So Jim just tugs on his arm, bringing him as close as possible before kissing his cheek, and continuing to walk them forwards. “ _ Anyway _ , robot space lesbians here we come. I don’t think I’ve ever made Chris watch Wall-E to be honest,” Jim says. 

“Then try to be quiet for his first time,” Bones rolled his eyes playfully, moving his own face so that he could bite Jim gently on the cheek. 

“I distinctly remember you saying the opposite to me for our first time,” Jim smirks. 

“We’re not discussing this while we’re less than four minutes away from your father-figure’s apartment.” 

“Boring,” Jim complains with a pout, but it doesn’t stop the skip in his step as the therapy session mostly fades into the recesses of his mind, the only thing standing out being just how different it was with Bones for their first time than every other first time he had. He couldn’t deny he was lucky, and he hopes one day he gets to discuss with Bones the possibility of marriage. Not now, and likely not soon. Probably if Chris decides to propose to Phil he can joke and say that would be them in twenty years and see what his reaction was. 

Until then, he would just treasure his time with Bones, and feel lucky that they’d be serving on the same ship together - although he didn’t know what ship that  _ was _ yet, he knew they’d be together. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that this wasn't too depressing/upsetting/triggering for you. A couple of things I just wanna say: I have more experience with abuse/neglect on a personal level than r*pe, torture, and child prostitution, and I am in no way attempting to justify any of this, which I hope I demonstrated in the differences between younger Jim and older Jim and their reactions; younger Jim justified it as 'okay' because he was doing it for his kids, while older Jim has accepted that he did it and he did it for a good reason, but he does not think that it was okay for him to have been put into such a position. Jim's dissociation is also based on my own experience, physically and mentally, with dissociation and so I apologise if it isn't in-line with your own experience, however I thought it best to write something that, to me, made sense. 
> 
> Anyway! Otherwise I hope you enjoyed it, please comment/kudos bc it makes my world go round. 
> 
> Also I have about 20 minutes left of my birthday (today is still August 18th for me) and considering I've posted 4 fics in like 2-3 days, I'm proud of myself and I'm gonna hope that I'm gonna continue on this high when I go into my next year at uni and have assignments due in every few weeks even if I don't have much else to post with this series bc I'm unsure as to where else it can go....I can possibly do a family reunion, of some kind, or Bones and Jim at therapy together?? Not for bad reasons, or even because they're having problems at all, just. So they can have deeper understanding? Idk I feel like healthy communication in a safe space is a good idea??


End file.
